Learning to trust amidst the pain

It is the first day of Chinese New Year (CNY) 2018.

Beautiful Chinese New Year decorations adorned the windows and the sides of the church. Shades of red added to the vibrancy and warmth of that familiar inner court where worship takes place.

Those familiar faces with their family members settling down comfortably in their favourite, usual pews. Occasionally, some heads turned, exchanging smiles, handshakes and warm wishes. Beautiful people of God.

The crowd was unexpectedly massive. The attendance for CNY thanksgiving Mass in this parish seems to increase every year. A very good sign indeed.

I nestled myself at the last row of the pew just behind the choir. Thank God I did not have to be "out-standing".

As I people-watched, my heart sank. This entire scene is way too familiar.

No, it is not a feeling of deja vu.

It was the very same scenario on New Year's Day thanksgiving Mass, 1 January 2018. The only difference is probably the colour red.

I have never felt so lonely. My family, like any other years - but I do not remember since when, prefer to stay at home and prepare food for relatives and visitors.

I totally understand my parents, wishing to give the best to our visitors. But just one hour, I remember telling my parents. It all boils down to your priority, I said. Of course, a prophet is never well received in his own household.

Or perhaps, the many hardships that befell my family beginning last year has dampened their spirits and jeopardised their belief in God. Or, could it be me? I must have been a very bad example in the practice of virtues. I believe that it is the latter, which lead to the former. Then shame on me for calling myself a "prophet"!

I used to be very proud of my family. My dad a warden cum extraordinary minister of the Holy Communion. My mom a warden. My brother an altar server. Myself... the busybody running here and there, helping in whichever area my help was needed right there and then. Although we did not have the practice of praying together at home, we still attended Mass together in the same parish church. I couldn't ask for more!

Today, everything changed when one trial after another hit the family. My parents resigned from the ministries and are now parish-hopping (attending different parish church every week). My brother... I do not even know if he even fulfills the Sunday obligations.

I am the only one who stays on in the parish; with one hand grabbing the thin rope that still holds my family together, while clinging on to God with the best of my ability with another. That fragile rope leaves my hand with blisters and cuts. I do not dare to make any move, albeit small, for one wrong move might just break the rope. On the other hand, I depend heavily on the strength drawn from daily Eucharist and prayer, praying that all the merits and blessings could be transferred to my family.

I really wish St Monica would just show herself in my dream and share with me how she managed to get through those difficult long years of praying for her wayward son, St Augustine.

My only hope is to see my family returning to God and seeking his will, amidst all these trials.

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of goodwill..." It is the most painful Gloria ever. Having to keep those tears inside the eyes while singing a hymn of gratitude with a very heavy-laden and wounded heart is far from being easy.

That uncertainty in front and having totally no control over the future is just scary. Despite the pain and the most uncertain future ahead, I choose to trust and depend on God every single day.

If you could feel the pain I am going through, kindly say a little prayer for me and my family, for I do not know how long these trials would last, and how much longer can I hold on!

What a way to begin the New Year. This might be just the beginning of many more hardships to come. It could also be a new challenge God has thrown my way. Whatever it will be, I pray that God's will be done, not mine.

How to be humble: a guideline to love

I was clearing photos from my Whatsapp - just as we need to do spring cleaning to our homes (and perhaps, offices), I clean up the photos in my phone for extra storage - and this one caught my attention.  I thought these 10 points are pretty practical.

1. Listen without interrupting (Prov 18).
2. Speak without accusing (James 1:19).
3. Give without sparing (Prov 21:26).
4. Pray without ceasing (Col 1:9).
5. Answer without arguing (Prov 17:1).
6. Share without pretending (Eph 4:15).
7. Enjoy without complaint (Phil 2:14).
8. Trust without wavering (1 Cor 13:7).
9. Forgive without pushing (Col 3:13).

Reading them from top to bottom (you may read from bottom to top as well), I realised these are not just "rules of thumb" of how to love, but more of how to be humble.

It is not difficult to make a list of how we can prove our love for God by loving our neighbours. But humility is one tough case. When you think that you're humble, right there and then you're not being humble. 

Talking about being humble, I need to learn it more than anybody else.

Praying that in 2015, I could at least pick up 5 out of the 10 points and turn them into habits.

A smile to remember…

Photo source:pimp myspace

Do you believe that if God can work through a person, He can also work via a simple smile? Well, I do. I just never imagined such an incident would ever happen to me.

It was the 6th Sunday of Easter. After Morning Mass, I joined my good friends for breakfast and only reached home around noon. Haha, it was the gathering of single young ladies, so there is no way for us to leave right away after finishing our food. Seeing me opening the door and stepping into the house, mom was not very happy.

“So… looks like you haven’t forgotten the place you call ‘home’.” Her sarcastic, cold tone of voice gave me the hint that she was upset with me. I cannot remember what conversation I had with her before I went up to my room, but I know that her being upset made me even more upset. I stayed in my room until my parents went off to attend the Evening Mass.

I went downstairs to collect my files so that I could continue with my work. It was about 4pm or so that time. I came back to my room, continued with my work, and out of the blue… someone unexpected popped up on my Skype – the priest whom I’ve always wanted to meet (he initiated the online international Rosary prayer through Skypecast). At first, I thought that perhaps he has got something for me to do, or some messages which he might want me to convey to my other Rosary companions. At first, we were having a short and simple chat; he told me that he was at the airport and would be boarding the plane in 2 hours.

Weird enough, he asked me to give him a call on Skype, which I did and I was thinking to myself: “Okay, so what is Father going to tell me this time?” The connection was successful. I strained my ears, trying my best to detect his voice. When I failed to hear anything, I quickly typed to him in the chat window: “Father, I can’t hear you!” He replied: “Can you see me?” I quickly switched to the voice chat window.

To my surprise, I saw a man smiling at me through the window for webcam. It was Father Dominique! I was in tears… tears of joy that I finally had the chance to meet Fr. Dominique, whom I’ve listened to in Skype Conference and prayed together with almost everyday. And yes, that smile! That captivating, soothing smile planted not just joy, but also peace in my heart and soul that very instance! I just could not explain nor describe that joy I experienced. It was like… a foretaste of meeting Jesus in person!

It wasn’t too long when he finally waved me goodbye.

His smile changed my heart and took my resentment away. He made the rest of my day just by a simple but genuine smile. And this smile let me recognized the Man whom I’ve always loved – Jesus.

At the time my parents came back from Mass, I went out of my room to greet them. I have totally forgotten the unhappy event that happened in the day time.

I guess maybe that’s why we are encouraged to smile. Smile, God loves you. A familiar saying we all know, but we never know that God is able to use our smile to touch and affirm those who needed it. Perhaps, the simplest fact that God loves us no matter who we are and how we feel, should become our reason to share our smile.

Smile, God loves you!

_____________

I've finished this post a year ago but never had the chance to post it up. So here it is! Hope it will inspire you as you read it today.

Selfish... that's me

A simple hug expresses love which words cannot describe.

Yes. I'm referring to myself. Selfish... that's the best word to describe what I've not done tonight. And yes, I'm so very disappointed with myself right now. This very moment. No, not just disappointment. Even shame.

Shame on me. I've always wanted to receive a hug from Christ, a real hug; but tonight, I've just let the opportunity slip by. And I could have brought Christ to another person as well, but I failed. Shame, what a shame!

I went for the ^*Evening of Prayer just now. As I did not have any transport to go home, a friend (who is one of the important people in the Parish Council) offered to give me a lift home. So I waited for him outside the church as he had a short discussion with somebody. I was with another two persons, one of the Extraordinary Ministers (who is my father's friend) and his partially disabled son (he had an accident years ago, which affected his locomotion, speech and appearance). I was talking to him and his father when a friend of mine came and we gave each other a hug.

"Gosh, I could have fallen asleep if we hug this way. Haha!" She laughed. And after waving me goodbye and good night, she left with her mother.

So my partially disabled friend saw us, got excited and he said to me, "Hey, I want a hug too!" At first, I couldn't make out what he was saying. I thought he said "I want to hachoo!" which means he wanted to sneeze. I jokingly backed away from him, and told him to "Go ahead and sneeze", then only to realize that something was wrong. So I asked him to repeat what he has just said.

"I want a hug too," he repeated.
"Ohh... from whom?" I asked.
He pointed his index finger at me. "You."

At that very moment, I didn't know what to do. I flashed him a big, shy smile, and stood there, feeling embarrassed. I was totally lost. I didn't know whether I should give him a hug or not. Then a thought came: You're a lady, and you want to hug a guy? HELLO! And look, his father is looking at you. There are some other people around too. Are you not afraid that people might spread rumours? Seeing me not doing anything, he changed the topic.

I must have broken his heart, twice.

See, I'm right, am I not? I'm a selfish person. I feel so insincere. I always tell myself that I must reach out and give anybody a hug if they ask for one or needed one. Anybody at all. Male, female, the sick, the young and the old. Anyway, what is so difficult in performing the simple act of hugging? Yet, I failed. I failed so terribly!!

Oh Lord, please tell me what was wrong with me! How could I give in to such selfish thoughts? Ohhh... how could I let this happen? How could I reject a hug for and from Christ in disguise?? I wish I were at the beach now, alone so that I could cry my heart out... and cry for His forgiveness and perhaps, for another chance...

My dear friends, please, as you read this, DON'T follow my bad example. If I say that I'm still bounded by the Chinese tradition where unmarried man and woman are not supposed to touch, what more to hug each other, I'll be a big liar and besides, that would be a very lame excuse.

A sincere advice for all (this time, I know this comes from God): When it comes to reaching out, don't be self-conscious. Instead, be God-conscious. A hug is a simple act of love. It has the power to bring others to God, as well as helping us to experience God.

I'm invited to the Mandarin session of Evening of Prayer next week, for my help is needed then. I hope I'll be given another chance to give that friend of mine a hug he has asked for tonight.



^*A special prayer session with praise and worship, which is held every Wednesday night in Holy Trinity Church. Every first Wednesday, there will be Benediction and exposure of the Host. All are invited to attend, as long as you're in Kuching.