Jul 31, 2005

Turning 23

In another 4 days time, I'll no longer be 22. 22 has been my lucky number all these while, but not any more very soon. How do I feel about it? Well, not feeling excited at all.

My parents and friends are already planning to celebrate with me, but I turned them down. Noor Ling, my 'twin sister', has planned to have some outing that night. She wanted to 'book' me, but I told her I won't be going anywhere that night, I have to do final ammendments to my proposal before handing it in the next day. I just can't afford to waste any more time. My parents asked me since Friday whether I want a new printer (honestly, I really NEED one), but I told them no. I don't want to waste my parents' money, since my dad will be retiring this October.

As I searched my memories, my best birthday was last birthday, where all my housemates threw a surprise birthday party for me. A small one, but I was really happy. They even bought me a chocolate fudge cake. Well, chocolate is my all-time favourite, so I really enjoyed myself then. And of course, lots of wishes came through SMS. What more could I ask for? It felt as if everyone remembered my birthday all of a sudden! Felt like I was the centre of attention!

But not this time, not this year. I just want to be left alone this time. No celebrations. No cake. No presents. No surprises. Not expecting anyone to remember my birthday. Maybe one or two SMS or phone calls from my close friends. *Sigh* I just don't feel like celebrating. All the stress and frustations have robbed my celebrating mood away. I just hope that when that day comes, I won't even remember it's my birthday. Well, what difference will it make whether I celebrate it or not? Life still has to go on as usual...

I do have one birthday wish though. Just one. Simple one. It is the greatest gift I've always wanted to receive for every birthday. I want to be in church, where I can have some quiet moments with God, receive Holy Eucharist during Mass, and renew my vows. But I know it is just impossible - I have no car, and even if I have I don't really have the guts to drive to church alone.

Well, so much for my birthday 'plan', huh? This will be my first most pathetic birthday celebration I ever had.

Jul 30, 2005

I hate...

...presentation. And I've just flawed one last Monday! I just don't get it. Why is that I like to stutter when I'm in front of people? I wasn't like that. I could express myself in English quite fluently and spontaneously. Clearly, my English is going down the drain. Excuses? Not reading any English books and newspapers, too much Chinese series instead of English ones and too much conversation in Mandarin with my Chinese friends. I'm starting to hate myself for that.

I've always hated presentation. Funny enough, I was so much relieved after I presented. I wasn't afraid of questions though, instead I await questions. Since when I've mutated into a question-lover, it must have been after what I've been through during Environmental Development class. For me, questions are challenges people throw at me, and I accept them happily.

I've tried my best to relax during a presentation and stop my stupid stutter for 3 years, but I've not succeeded. The proposal presentation is just around the corner, and I am in deep trouble. No matter how confident I am, I'm still the same... stutter and extremely nervous for no reason at all.

From this, I know that my future profession is certainly not teaching or giving talks, anything that requires me to stand out and speak to the crowd.

Presentation? Please spare my life if possible. I admit I'm a loser.

Faith is

Faith is...
Faith is believing when there's nothing to believe.
Faith is trusting when trust has been deceived.
Faith is looking upward when clouds obscure your view.
Faith is taking one more step when the path is hid from you.

Faith is reaching out your hand when no one reaches back.
Faith is catching up the torch when confidence you lack.
Faith is racing toward the goal when you're too tired to run.
Faith is stretching for the prize when it seems it will never be won.

Faith is saying "Yes, I will" when you don't think you can.
Faith is rising when you fall and going on again.
Faith is trying one more time when you've lost the will to try.
Faith is living proudly when you want to quit and die.

Faith is this, and more - much more - when you place your faith in God.
"Tis trusting Him to lead you as step by step you trod. Although you cannot see Him, yet knowing He is there,
Press on with full assurance that He knows, He keeps, He cares.

Faith is simply trusting in your Heavenly Father's love;
Believing He will lead you to that blessed home above.
Content to know He'll guide you through every night and day,
That He will never leave you as you walk along Life's way.

So trust Him when the shadows fall dark across the road,
And trust Him when you're weary beneath a heavy load.
He'll give you strength and courage for each trial you must bear,
And lift you in His mighty arms and hold you in His care.

- by Ruth Martin

Jul 29, 2005

When you know it's insane to be insane

Exactly. You don't want people to call you crazy, do you? Well, nobody does. But have you ever tried to be insane just for the fun of it? I ever, and I do that pretty often too! =P

Sometimes I just want to 'take revenge' on friends who like to 'bully' me. Take for instance, a few guys from my class love to tease me when they meet me outside the class, "Audrey, say hi!" When I got fed up of it, I would sometimes answer them in such a sexy way that I scare them off. You'll hear me answering back "Hiiii Honey!", and then see them making faces in disgust "eeeewwww" or "eee... tak kenal" (I don't know you) or "lari, cepat lari!" (run, quick, run). Hahaha... in the end I'm the one who's laughing at the way they responded. Wish you could be there and see for yourself how funny it is.

There are times when I lose control of my temper and I go 'shooting' those who crossed my line. I don't really care who that person is, whether they are my parents, my friends, my aunties or uncles, anybody at all. One day, the kids whom my mom is taking care of talked to my parents about 'The Most ______ person' they've met. And guess what, I'm on the top of the list for 'The Most Fierce Person'. I was laughing to myself when my mom told me that. Then last night, my housemate's guy friend came over to disturb her. She got annoyed and asked him to disturb me instead, but that guy said "No way, she's scarily fierce." I wasn't really in good mood that time, so one thought came to me suddenly - Hey, I'm so proud of myself! I shall be the lady whom every man fears! Hah hah hah *evil laugh* (luckily nobody heard me laughing inside). Hmm... that's not something impossible, perhaps I should announce it to the whole world, that I'm the world's most fearsome lady!! Hahahahaha...(Oops, sorry, I went a bit out of my mind. Hehe.)

I'm popular for crazy ideas too. People who know me knows that I don't like keeping my hair long. My friends love to urge me (and that bothers me) to keep my hair so that I will look more feminine, but I let them down again and again. Oh well, it's not wrong for girls not to keep long hair, isn't it? There's no written law concerning this too. So one thought crossed my mind: Majority girls keep their hair long and as long as posibble, but I'm going against this trend - I shall keep my hair as short as possible, it doesn't matter if my parents don't like it, or my friends don't like it, or even my boyfriend don't like it...hey it's my hair and I can do whatever I like with my hair and it's totally none of anybody's business! (<-- that's to anyone who still dare to force me to keep my hair long!)

Probably right now you are thinking that I'm insane. But let me tell you, I'm perfectly normal. I just find it boring sometimes to go with the flow, it's not challenging at all. Sometimes we really need to be a little 'abnormal' so that we won't feel bored with life. By the way, I believe bungee jumping is created by people who are full of crazy ideas, most probably crazier than me. Anyways, I'll NEVER try out bungee. It has gone far out of my craziness range!

So what about you? To what extend of craziness can you reach?

Jul 28, 2005

Hey! Pay attention!

Have you ever let your mind travel elsewhere when you're doing something, eg. washing clothes, cooking, attending the lecture, talking with friends and even when eating? I have, and it's not just once or twice. Let me tell you what's been going on with me, starting from last night.

I was getting ready to do laundry. I positioned the semi-auto washing machine next the washroom. Dumped my clothes in, poured some Dynamo detergen into the pail of water, stirred it and then poured it into the washing machine. Then I went to plug it into the socket, switched it on, and turned the timer. I stared at my idle clothes for a few seconds only to realize that the machine wasn't moving. My housemate happened to pass by and saw me getting panic. He laughed at me as he turned the 'drain' dial to 'normal'. Only then, the machine started moving. Owh gosh, what am I doing? I murmured to myself.

The machine stopped. I got up from my table, took my pail and went to the washing machine. I set the pail in place, open the lid of the spinner, getting ready to tumble dry the clothes. My housemate once again walked over and laughed at me again...well, I forgot to rinse my clothes before drying them. *sigh* So I let the water drain, took my pail and filled it full with water and pour it into the washing machine, only to see more water flowing out - I forgot to set the 'drain' dial to 'normal'. Luckily my housemate wasn't there that time. *sigh* How unfortunate. I've been a laughing stock for him last night.

Ok, that's the end of my laundry story. And here starts another one. I went back to my room and continued doing my work. My friend was helping my room mate with her pc. She told me that she will be cooking tomorrow, and asked me not to go for dinner. I said ok. When I met her again this morning, I have forgotten totally about what she said. Owh well, of course I got scolded by her.

During the Remote Sensing lecture, I was falling asleep while looking at the slides, once in a while I just stared at the screen with my brain totally blank. No idea what I was scribbling too. *sigh* The lecture was only 1 hour, but it felt like hours! *sigh*

Oh... I flawed my presentation yesterday. Was really really angry with myself that I didn' get to talk to all my classmates. Mean, eh? Well, that's just me when I'm mad.

Well, looks like I've been 'abnormal' for two days. Hopefully I'll be back to my own self soon. And for all of you reading this, try your best not to become like me. I'm totally stressed out. Hopefully I can still be alive when the proposal presentation is over.

Jul 24, 2005

To Touch God's Heart

Deeper In Love
- Words and Music by Paul Baloche, Geoffrey Cueller, Sandy Hoffman and Ed Kerr

There is a longing
Only You can fill
A raging tempest
Only You can still
My soul is thirsting, Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before Your throne

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus, hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

Sunrise to sunrise
I will seek Your face
Drawn by the Spirit to the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied
(Repeat chorus)

It is such a beautiful song, isn't it? A song that almost caused me to shed tears this morning. Even in the church during Mass I was down, until I sang this song.

Indeed, only God alone can fill my heart's deepest longing. Only He alone can heal my every wounds, He alone who can make me see how love is supposed to be. I believe God must have heard me singing my heart out to Him. Right after this song ended, things looked brighter, people looked kinder; and peace flowed through my heart, just like water flowing through a dried up river.

To those whose spirit has dried up like me, let this song springs forth from your heart to touch God's heart.

Jul 23, 2005

The Keys to My Heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What are The Keys To Your Heart?

I found that this is very true for me. I'm someone loyal to friends, what more to say to the person I love. And of course, I want a friend/boyfriend who is loyal and honest to me. I want every relationship (which includes friendship) to last... and that is why I care for all my good friends.

To all my best friends scattered all over the world... love you all always! =)

Uphill Climb

Life is more an uphill climb than smooth sailing, isn't it?

This is another week filled with anger for me. I really wonder what's wrong. Most probably it's because of my project proposal. I should have seen my supervisor much early before he went off to the thick forest of Bario. Honest, I didn't know this proposal thingy would cause me so much trouble. Actually I've identified some of the sampled fish, but I have exactly no idea which fish my supervisor wanted me to work on.

At first, Mr.Lee told us (me and my another friend under his supervision) that we were both doing the same research - catch the fish (for my friend's case, the shrimp) and attempt to breed them in the lab's aquarium. But then, when I asked him again about whether I'll be breeding my fish, he said we have to see if we could find both the male and female. I did a little look-up from the net and found that some of the fishes I identified are aquarium fishes. If that is so, trying to produce these fishes aquaculturally is not something new. Aaaarrgghhh~~! I'm such a loser, am I not? My own project but I don't know what it is for.

I'm pretty sure of one thing, I'm expecting a 'good' scolding from Mr.Lee when he's back. *Sigh* Is this how university life is supposed to be? Doing research is something I've been looking forward to since young. But why is it giving me so much headache now?

A student's life is never easy. My life is even more complicated. One good question that I want to find out: When will I get my PhD? (PhD = Permanent Head Damage)

A New Start

I've wasted about 3 hours just to customize this blog. I'm really new to this, so I have difficulties getting around. But I guess it's worth all the hard work. See, my blog looks much nicer now. At least it's not as bare as before I editted the page.

Now back to myself. *sigh* My project proposal is still less than half way done. Actually I'm stuck at the introduction. I've never kept an aquarium at home, so how on earth am I able to write something on the aquarium industry? Have been looking for info from the net, but not much found. My supervisor is away in the jungle, having some kind of field trip. By the time he came back, it would only be 10 days left before the presentation of proposal. So now, I can only do as much as I can and then leave the rest to God.

Right now, I gotta give myself a rest. Too much time spent on the computer and blogging, my eyes are getting really tired.

Jul 22, 2005

My First Post

Hi to everyone! I'm new to Blogspot, but not new to blogging. Oh well, I just wonder what was wrong with Friendster's blog. Seems like only my blog has problem. But it's ok. I have a new blog right now. Hopefully I'll be able to start things anew, since I'm not really familiar with Blogspot yet.

For all my other posts in Friendster, I shall move all of those to here. I don't wanna miss all my other posts. I just love them.Whatever it is, I hope you enjoy your stay here and read all about another homo sapien that lives in Borneo, Malaysia. I welcome any kind of advice and comments, anything you think I should know.

Please come back again for more!

p/s: You might find that this post is the same as Actually it was my first one, but I don't know why it's gone the second time I logged in...