The gentle and the humble

I often wonder why Jesus (and God the Father) is obsessed with the poor, the afflicted, the outcast and the helpless, as though they were God's favourites.

In today's Gospel reading, Jesus claims that He is "gentle and humble in heart" (Mt 11:29), fulfilling Prophet Zachariah's prophesy that the coming King was someone who is "humble and riding on a donkey" (Zech 9:9). This could be the key to unlock the mystery of God's obsession with the poor and the afflicted: because they bear the image of Jesus.

In their poverty and hopelessness, they are just like empty vessels ready to be filled. They attract God.

Only those who have been hungry could appreciate the little food that is set before them.

Only those who are thirsty could savour every single drop of water offered them.

Only those who have nothing would accept any amount of money given them.

Only those who are tired desire and appreciate a good rest.

Only those who have struggled with a heavy burden would gladly exchange it for a lighter one.

Only those who acknowledge their nothingness and are willing to learn and be corrected, are the ones who would receive and grow in self-knowledge and God-knowledge (truth).

Such is the value of humility. True humility. "Humility is the mother of all virtues" (Mother Teresa of Calcutta).

When we acknowledge our weaknesses and our need for God's mercy and grace (that's humility!), we turn our heart towards God and His will. It is then that we lay down the worldly yoke and put on Jesus'.

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14th Sunday in Ordinary Time | 5 July 2020

The journey up

It has begun.

The sacrifices, the entirely new environment, the unfamiliar territories, the many heartbreaks - all the consequences of stepping out of the comfort zone and moving into the unknown deep, are coming true, just as I've imagined and anticipated. The only difference is, the thoughts of them was easier to bear than having to face them - alone.

The walk on the flat plain had been such a breeze. Now, it's time to climb the slope. I began to realise that the easy walk, though did enhance my spiritual stamina, it did not quite help with the muscles. It is such a difficult climb, especially when I'm all alone. Worse still, the scenery has nothing worth beholding - shrubs, trees, branches, buttress roots, rocks and boulders - these made the climb such a challenge. I have to stop all so often to allow the sore muscles to recover, take a little rest, read the guidelines and marks left behind by the saints, pluck up enough courage through Hope, then continue to make another few steps forward before the whole cycle begins again. As a matter of fact, I'm taking much longer rests than the climb!

Every day I'm struggling with dying to self. I'm so used to taking care of me, myself and I. And now that there is the other person whom I have pledged my life to, it's never easy to put myself last. Things could have been a little easier had he shared the same love for God and the Church.

Such is my life since the last four months. Not having a community to belong to, and with the lockdown in place due to the Coronavirus pandemic, life is just painfully dry and unfulfilling. The mundane day-to-day routine is beginning to bore me.

I wonder if this is the beginning of the Dark Night St John of the Cross speaks about. I'm being deprived of almost everything I've always enjoyed. Even prayer becomes such a drudgery. I haven't received much consolation. God seems to be silent.

But I love the Lord too much to give Him up. If it wasn't for Him, I wouldn't be willing to choose this path. It was a decision I struggled to make - for I knew the consequences of this choice. I'm willing to risk it all, as long as He is faithful to His promise of Eternal Life with Him, which is the only Hope I hold on to.

So first thing first: staying rooted to the faith and love. Thanks to the kind Malaysian Carmelite friar Fr Sinwee, I'm allowed to follow the online study classes conducted by him. That has certainly helped me to live out my Carmelite identity in the absence of a community.

My messy desk

After a little reflection on my current situation, the discomfort I'm experiencing could be a good sign after all. For the Doctor of the Church, St Teresa of Jesus is said to have commented, that "Life is a night spent in an uncomfortable inn." It is true that we should not seek comfort in this life, for our only comfort lies in God alone.

Praying that with every few steps up the mount, my muscles would be stronger, my stamina further strengthened, to be ready when the steeper slopes emerge.

God is faithful to those who are faithful

Appearance of Jesus Christ to Maria Magdalena (1835)
by Alexander Andreyevich Ivanov. (Source: Wikipedia)

Today is the feast day of St Mary Magdalene.

I totally admire this holy woman, and her love and faithfulness for her friend and master, Jesus. She, like our Mother Mary, is truly the "apostle of apostles" of Christ. She accompanied Jesus until the very end. Even at the tomb, she was so saddened at the disappearance of Jesus' body, whom she laid to rest. When everyone had left, she stayed back in an attempt to find out where and why Jesus' body had been removed.

If any biblical figures could qualify as the "perfect lover", it has to be Mary Magdalene. For truly, she sought him whom her heart loves (Song of Songs 3:2). So it is no wonder why certain Gnostic gospel recorded that Mary Magdalene and Jesus were involved in a romantic relationship! (And how many people have been scandalised by this story!)

While many reflected on how Mary Magdalene was privileged to be the messenger to announce the resurrection of Christ, and thus we too are called to proclaim this Good News through our lives, I drew from this Gospel a different insight.

As a reward for her persistence and her deep, genuine love for Jesus, the Resurrected Lord appeared before her and greeted her. "Mary!" (John 20:16) He even called her by name; that familiar and gentle voice! He did not forget nor let down this faithful woman, whom he knew loved him tremendously. I believe that for Mary Magdalene, the greatest privilege was to be the very first person to have met the Resurrected Lord.

This Gospel account gives me so much hope.

I have often questioned myself. Would my deep desire to see my Beloved Lord face to face, despite my frailty and frequent fall into sin, and my failed daily attempts to die to self, be rewarded with that same reward granted to Mary Magdalene?

I believe God will not disappoint anyone who loves him. He knows that our human love is imperfect. "The Lord knows our weakness, that he is mindful that we are but dust and ashes” (Psalm 102:14). And he "looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). He is faithful to those who are faithful to him.

This is the very hope that keeps me going.

St Mary Magdalene, pray for us, that like you, we too may meet the One whom our hearts loved.

"For perseverance is essential to any good deed, as the voice of truth tells us: Whoever perseveres to the end will be saved."

-- St Gregory the Great on St Mary Magdalene

Reflection on the air

I have no idea since when, the Kuching airport has become quite a nostalgic place for me. It is so familiar, yet at the same time giving me the feeling of sadness. I travel alone most of the time, always with caution, alertness, sometimes with anxiety too, but other times, excitement.

But today, as I made my way to the departure area, I felt my heart sank. As I watched the plane took to the sky, it felt as if I was leaving Kuching behind and would not be back for a long time. Even though I was with a few friends, and we were flying to another town for a short business meeting.

Is death something like the airport too? Like the airport, it is an area souls await to be brought to their final destination? There would be those who are unwilling to leave their loved ones behind, and therefore the feeling of such a heavy heart. There would also be those who are more than ready to leave every earthly thing and look forward to go Home.

If God would give me the chance to choose how I would prefer to die — a sudden painless death (due to accident or in my sleep), or slowly fading away (due to old age), or a painful deterioration (due to sickness) — I wouldn’t know which one to choose.

As I advance in age, and as I bid goodbye to more and more people in funerals, and shared in the sorrow of friends who lost their loved ones, I began to truly realise the brevity of our lives and deeply treasure those who are close to my heart. I have to admit that I am becoming more and more afraid of losing those whom I love. I wish I could keep each and every one of them by my side so that I could care for them all, but I know that in reality, we could rarely get the best of both worlds.

So that brought me to yet another realisation: that death is never about how we are going to die, because it is not up to us. But we can definitely choose how to live our lives, by giving ourselves completely to those whom we love. We can choose to live by dying to ourselves everyday, that when the time finally comes for us to leave for Home, it will not catch us unprepared and unwilling.

To my loved ones, particularly Mom and Dad, and my fiancé Ahmos, I love you all most deeply.

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(Penned on 25 February 2019; on the flight to Tawau, Sabah)

The most painful pain - a reflection on the Passion of Christ

Source: www.flickr.com/photos/waitingfortheword/

It was with a heavy heart as I followed Jesus along the way of the Cross. From the great agony at the thought of his own death, to his greatest fear coming true - the death on the Cross, the entire journey was a painful experience.

Nevertheless, there has to be one part of that journey that was the most painful for him. He has to endure not just physical pain, but also emotional pain. No matter how excruciating the physical pain was, I feel that the emotional pain superseded his physical pain.

It happened at about noon time, in the presence of Pilate who was eager to let him go. Unfortunately, his fellow Jews, insisted that Pilate should have him crucified. Their reason? "We have no king but Ceaser". For three years, Jesus walked and worked miracles among the people, befriending them, eating with them, teaching them about the Truth and revealing to them who the Father is. And yet, no one stood up to defend him. Worse still, Jesus, who is himself God, the God who made a covenant with them, experienced how his very own people whom he loved rejected him.

What could be more painful than the pain of rejection? When you have given your heart and your love in its totally, but your beloved is blind to your love.

Most of us, if not all, have gone through rejection in one way or another. We know the pain. So does our God. Not merely because he is God, but because he has gone through it himself.

Which part of Christ's suffering do you identify with the most?

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Written on 12 July 2017
(Prompted by Fr Jude Chinwenwa CSsR from The Sound of Silence)