Feb 3, 2007

My Vocation Story - The Confusions

For the past 2 weeks, I met someone online who's desperately looking for a soul mate. After some chats with me, he concluded that I am his answered prayer. I'm a person who couldn't care less about relationships as such, and besides, I clearly know that my heart's desire is religious life.

I was stressing on discovering my religious vocation so much that, he told me - perhaps I'm not called to religious life due to many reasons, and one of them is that God met the two of us. His words were so convincing... as if I've made a mistake by believing all these while that I'm called to become a nun; he gave me 'signs' that the two of us were meant for each other.

I didn't know what actually happened to me that night. Upon listening to what he has said, I felt as if the whole world has tumbled down on me. My faith almost shattered. My hope in the Lord dwindled. For the past 3 days, I was in a total confusion and depression. Religious life really means something to me! I was trying my best to listen to Lord for an answer.

Today, however, a thought suddenly struck me.

Why did I allow myself to give in to him, and allowing the Evil One to take control of me? Making me believe that from the beginning till now, God has never intended me to offer my life for His service, and causing me so much disappointment and sadness for the past 3 days. This experience was horrible, as if I was totally cut off from God; as if He has decided to kick me out of His Kingdom; as if He has fooled with my heart.

I looked back at the time when I received affirmation that my vocation was not marriage. All I could remember was joy, joy and joy everlasting! Compare that with what happened recently, I realized that this was just another way for the Evil One to create havoc in my life. How could it be possible that, if marriage is my vocation, I was feeling so down? Why is that the more I think about it, the more my heart longs for Him? From there, I also realized that it is not a human companion that I look for, I'm actually searching for the presence of Christ in the people I meet... I'm hoping that that person can temporarily 'represent' Christ -- to hold me in His arms, to kiss and affirm me of His love, holding my hand and walking with me, protecting me from all harm -- that sense of security, belonging and great love I have been longing for when I fell in love with Him. That is why it is impossible for me to have an intimate relationship, because all I long for is Him alone. It won't be fair for any guy whom I would be seeing, as they are not the ones I'm in love with.

Back to my vocation. I'm even more sure now, that I'm not called to marriage. My willingness (and also many others) to reach out to others is a result of my (our) relationship with God, a relationship that no one in this whole wide world can replace.

Please pray for me and for those who are discerning religious life or consecrated virginity. Feel free to visit Holy Vocations Blog, a blog co-authored by those who are seriously discerning priesthood and religious life; and say a prayer for all of us there. Thank you!
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