Aug 12, 2006

I'm a fool

I have been angry with someone from church who hurt my father a week ago. She has done the same thing to many others and drove them away from our church many years back. I thought she has changed, but looks like I was wrong.

So I wasn't happy for the whole week. I felt like giving her a punch in the face, to teach her a lesson she will never forget for the rest of her life. Since no one has done that before, let me be the first. I told the Lord. It took me a long time to forgive her (I was her victim too), now she has caused my hatred for her to grow again.

I even blamed the Lord for letting this happen. Why Lord? Why my father and not me? Let me bear all these hurt for my father because I have been through it once. And that would most probably be a good chance for me to teach her a lesson (for if I'm provoked, I can be very violent). I prayed.

I seem to get an answer in my heart... "My Child, I knew you would do that. That's why I didn't allow it." I wasn't satisfied, of course. For that week, I forgot my Morning Prayers and Night Prayers. All that's on my mind when I opened my eyes in the morning and before I sleep at night is that woman and what she did. It was a terrible week.

Until last night, changes started happening. I went for choir practice, and as usual we have praise & worship first. But when we were singing the hymn "You Are My All In All", my eyes got foggy.

You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all;
Seeking You as a precious jewel,
Lord to give up I'd be a fool,
You are my all in all...

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame,
Rising again I bless your name,
You are my all in all;
When I fall down You picked me up,
When I am dry You fill my cup,
You are my all in all...

Tears flowed.

Oh, how could I be such a fool? Why did I let matters like this to trouble me? How could I give up the greatest Treasure which I own? Why did I allow myself to believe in the lies of the evil one? Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner!

Right now, I offer up all the anxiety, anger, confusion, and unwillingness to forgive to my Lord. Only by letting go and letting God can I overcome this problem and many problems to come in the future.

God bless.
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