Aug 12, 2006

I'm a fool

I have been angry with someone from church who hurt my father a week ago. She has done the same thing to many others and drove them away from our church many years back. I thought she has changed, but looks like I was wrong.

So I wasn't happy for the whole week. I felt like giving her a punch in the face, to teach her a lesson she will never forget for the rest of her life. Since no one has done that before, let me be the first. I told the Lord. It took me a long time to forgive her (I was her victim too), now she has caused my hatred for her to grow again.

I even blamed the Lord for letting this happen. Why Lord? Why my father and not me? Let me bear all these hurt for my father because I have been through it once. And that would most probably be a good chance for me to teach her a lesson (for if I'm provoked, I can be very violent). I prayed.

I seem to get an answer in my heart... "My Child, I knew you would do that. That's why I didn't allow it." I wasn't satisfied, of course. For that week, I forgot my Morning Prayers and Night Prayers. All that's on my mind when I opened my eyes in the morning and before I sleep at night is that woman and what she did. It was a terrible week.

Until last night, changes started happening. I went for choir practice, and as usual we have praise & worship first. But when we were singing the hymn "You Are My All In All", my eyes got foggy.

You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all;
Seeking You as a precious jewel,
Lord to give up I'd be a fool,
You are my all in all...

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame,
Rising again I bless your name,
You are my all in all;
When I fall down You picked me up,
When I am dry You fill my cup,
You are my all in all...

Tears flowed.

Oh, how could I be such a fool? Why did I let matters like this to trouble me? How could I give up the greatest Treasure which I own? Why did I allow myself to believe in the lies of the evil one? Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner!

Right now, I offer up all the anxiety, anger, confusion, and unwillingness to forgive to my Lord. Only by letting go and letting God can I overcome this problem and many problems to come in the future.

God bless.

1 comment:

ELY said...

I will pray for you. Anger is simply fear turned inside out....give it to Jesus and He will heal you. It may take some practice, but trust that He will help you always. Satan likes it when we are in fear, so patooey to Satan and walk in peace with Christ.