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Aug 12, 2005

A Letter to Noor Ling

Hey dude,

How are you doing lately? My proposal presentation is finally over, that means I can relax already. I'm back to my normal self too, just in case you haven't noticed. So how is your report going?

I have no choice but to use this way to communicate with you. You did't give me a chance to talk to you at all. Besides, you didn't even look at me when we met. That really saddens me. I don't know if you're going to come to this page and read this or not, but I really hope you will see this. You just have to.

I want the whole world to read this: I'm heartily sorry for being so cold and so rude to you last week. You don't deserve it at all. It was all my fault for taking you for granted. It's something I've never done to my friends before. So sorry to say that you're the first victim. I really didn't mean it. And please, I hope you'll continue reading my explanation to the very end.

It all started when I realised that I was having a minor mental illness. That time, the whole world felt like hell. I lost control of my emotions and mood - I cried everytime I was alone in the room; I felt that I was a useless person who cannot get anything done; I started to hate myself and my life, and there were times when I tried to kill myself when I was crossing the road (remember that I have fobia when on the road?); I wasn't happy everyday; I even started to hate people around me, and I became more violent than usual, there were times I imagined myself taking a knife and stabbing those who crossed my line. Knowing that I couldn't control myself, I could only try to isolate myself from all of you as much as possible, in order to avoid you being needlessly and physically harmed by me.

You know why I never missed 'The Legendary Doctor Hur Jun'? Bcos when watching, I put myself into the show, and this really helped me to get my brain under control. This is an effective way for me to de-stress temporarily. I still need to watch the show until the last episod now, well, I'm already addicted!! Besides, it's still a way for me to relax. You know something? I think I'm having the symptoms of heart attack. I have frequent chest pain and tiredness since weeks ago. Guess I won't be living for long. (This is not a joke, ok?)

You know, everytime I heard your name, your voice or saw you, I always have the feeling of guilt. Right now, I'm really hoping that you will forgive me for the hurt I've inflicted, and hopefully, I'll be able to talk to you again like we used to. I know that a loser like me don't deserve you and your forgiveness. I deserve a death sentence for breaking the promise I made to God to never break my friends' heart. Obviously, I have failed as a friend. It's ok if you decided not to forgive me, 'cos I only deserve your hatred. If that will be the punishment, I shall accept it willingly.

Thank you for spending your precious time reading this.

With much sorrow and regret,
Audrey
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